my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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