where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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