he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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