Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
