i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
