Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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