They should really pass out barf bags in church
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
