Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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