She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize