I feel great
I just peed on a car
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
