I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
