Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
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its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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