why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
