When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh god it's open bar.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
