You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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