what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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