last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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