I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
