My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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