I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You pole danced in your parka.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
