Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
