that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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