it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Randomize
