i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
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Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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