she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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