Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
