How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
did i just pee glitter
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
