I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
