I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
