You just made me feel so damn special
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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