I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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