that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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