i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
