I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
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Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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