pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
