I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
