When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
