i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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