Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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