The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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