sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
