The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
