I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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