1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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