I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
