I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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