I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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