This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
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Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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