The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
