so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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