Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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