If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Randomize
