I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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