He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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