Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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