Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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