dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
