I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
