if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
