I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
