I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
